*Adding family on Facebook* Before: Fuck bitches, smoke, drink! After: I helped an old lady cross the street.
I’m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y’all.
That awkward moment when someone adds you on Facebook, but never says hi in real life.
I truly believe that there are some people who listen to you when you talk and there’s other people who just wait for it to be their turn.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn’t right all the time.
“Hey! Aren’t you that guy from the village people?” – Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman’s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this…
When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.
Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry
I don’t have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.
It’s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Friend: Hey dude can you please help me out? Me: Yeah, over there mate same way that you came in.
Okay mum…you know I love you…but I can’t accept your friend request on Facebook.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.