What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
I’ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working…
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life it’s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”
Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day.
“I will love you forever or until I cum” – MEN
In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of sex and wine drinking.
The No. 1 movie this weekend was “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
Two Spanish historians believe that they’ve discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it.
“She’s cute I swear, let me find a better picture.” – Me telling my friends about my new girlfriend.