I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she’s going to kill batman or not.
“It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.
A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The search for Flight 370 was declared “The most difficult in human history.” Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment…
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they’ve answered the first.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
If you met my friends, you would understand.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
The higher pitched my “hey!” the greater the chance I don’t remember who you are.