Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
  2. My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
  3. You make every other name that comes up on my phone a disappointment.
  4. I’m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
  5. Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.
  6. The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
  7. I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape, I don’t even have a home anymore…Definitely time for a new keyboard.
  8. Girls treat guys like monkey bars. They don’t let go of the last one until they got a grip on the next one.
  9. I’ve never met a group of people more worried about their “privacy” than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
  10. Benefits of dating me: You’ll be dating me. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
  11. When you talk you repeat what you already know; but if you listen you often learn something new.
  12. If you have to do more than 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it’s not the angle or the lighting. It’s you. You’re ugly.
  13. I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
  14. I’m living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.
  15. A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
  16. A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
  17. If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?
  18. If at first you don’t succeed, buy her another beer.
  19. My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
  20. If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She’s a slut.