My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I’ll never get to touch.
My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.
My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.
Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don’t! Now you see it, now you don’t! Now you see it, now you don’t! …
Don’t think I know half of my FB friends….Who the heck are you people?
Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients “thanks for coming” as they leave?
I’m texting nothing but ugly girls from now on. They text back so fast!
When people see you as a competition, you already won.
My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we’re mostly pricks.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
I hate when Doctors asks questions like . . . “Are you sexually active?” Depends on what you mean by “active”. There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.
TWILIGHT: Taking the ‘N’ out of “Vampire Fangs”, since 2007!
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Just because I don’t talk to you, or text you first, doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I’m just waiting for you to miss me.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.