The way you feel while mumbling through that part of the song you don’t know is how I feel about all my life decisions.
Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane’s gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden’s floating in…..?
Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody’s getting.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can’t find it…
It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.
The great thing about being a guy is I don’t have to put on a “face” to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn’t showing and I’m pretty much golden
If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job…
My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, “It’s obvious, you can’t hold down a job.”
If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrong side-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Getting really tired of you emotional women on Facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your ass.
Those “Speed Enforced by Aircraft” signs don’t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”