This woman asked me if I had ever been in a stable relationship. I told her that I wasn’t into livestock.
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!
Dinner-$25 Margarita-$8 Girls night out-$33 Yelling “Hey Sl@t” and watching 12 different girls turn around- Priceless
I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me…. She didn’t approve of my improper use of the colon.
Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If I want to commit suicide, all I would do is jump from your ‘EGO’ to your ‘ IQ Level’.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
My magic watch say’s you don’t have any underwear on… Oh, you do?… It must be 15 minutes fast.
The girl I’m dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about “the birds and the bees” We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.
What is it with lesbians? If they hate men so much, why do they dress like them? You never see a Jew dressed as a Nazi.
I hardly know you… but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Went to McDonald’s and ordered a Happy Meal …. didn’t work … still grumpy.
Every Saturday is like an episode of CSI… I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!
When you lose one sense other senses are enhanced… that’s why if you lose your sense of humor your sense of asshole is enhanced.
I hate to call it “one night stands.” I prefer “auditions.”
So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! – Said no one, ever…
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Two things I hate: 1) People who form negative opinions of celebrities based only on what they see or hear on TV. 2) Justin Bieber.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.