Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they’ve been flying.
  2. Clearly, who ever said “more than a hand full is a waste” never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.
  3. Why do women fake orgasms? I wish they’d just be honest. I’ve only faked an orgasm once, when I was being mugged….. That scared him off.
  4. When I die I want written on my tombstone “Finally Offline”.
  5. My week is just five days of wishing I had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing I had something to do.
  6. When I’m bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it’s filthy down here. PS: I love you.”
  7. Hey Customer Service – Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?
  8. I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.
  9. I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn’t impressed, but it’s not every day he turns 4.
  10. I couldn’t believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I’d spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down…..
  11. I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
  12. Friend: “What’s a good movie?” Me: “Snakes on a plane” Friend: “Whats it about?”  Me: “Horses… horses on a boat”
  13. Realized that I’m getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they’re all on medication…
  14. Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don’t know what they want until they see it.