Funny Whatsapp Status

  1. That awkward moment in church when you put your hands together to pray & you see the stamp from last night & you remember…
  2. Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
  3. I popped into the library this morning and asked if there was any books on Facebook status jokes? The librarian said, “They’ve all been stolen.” “That’s the one.” I replied.
  4. They say in life ‘expect the unexpected’. So I did, and f*ck all happened. I wasn’t expecting that.
  5. I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums. I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette’s.
  6. If the wife uses dual sim phone, save both numbers under one name : “Wife”  Never save them as “Wife1” and “Wife2” ~ A husband from hospital
  7. It’s hard to believe my teenage son hasn’t got a job yet. I was sure his special skill of ‘keeping it real’ would impress any potential employers.
  8. New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit …I bet that “new car smell” doesn’t last very f*cking long.
  9. My wife says she’s leaving me, because the beginnings of my jokes are becoming cliched and predictable…
  10. Ironic! That even if Oscar pistorious is found not guilty .He still won’t walk free
  11. I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I’m off to the pub.
  12. Girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..
  13. Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
  14. The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.
  15. When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn’t know how to have fun.
  16. I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1. My wife thinks I’m going f*cking mental though, just sitting there staring at the top left of my keyboard for several hours at a time.
  17. I saw the strangest thing ever today. I threw a sausage off the pier and some blind man jumped in after it, then when he reappeared out of the water, he had transformed into a Labrador.
  18. A man has been killed after an E-cigarette exploded in his mouth. “His face was a complete mess.” Said the coroner. “But his lungs were mint.”
  19. Thirty seven years ago, my wife walked out on me because apparently, I hold on to grudges too long. What a bitch.
  20. If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.