I can’t believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the f*cking pub.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The wife said she’s leaving me because she’s sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you’re wondering why she’s typed ‘everything’ in capitals,it’s to emphasize the point.
The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She is the first woman to get that close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.
A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion user names and password combinations, which I’m pretty sure is all of them. The crime ring stole the information from hundreds of thousands of websites. Experts recommend that you change all your passwords just to be safe. I have to say I would almost rather have all my information stolen than to have to change all my passwords.
Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.
I have the talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I’ve been watching a bird do a mating dance for half an hour now, it’s working, I want him.
I saw that you “liked” my status. You want me, don’t you?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry.
So Howard Webb has retired from refereeing..In his honour, Manchester United have retired the penalty spot.
Scrabble is adding 5,000 new words including “chillax” and “selfie.” So kids, there’s never been a better time to challenge your grandparents to a game of Scrabble.
Whenever me and the wife watch a film, I can always tell if it’s going to be shit. She’s picked it.
Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.
People who try to stop you on the street to sell stuff are the real world equivalent of online pop-ups.
Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you’re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks
Fighter plane escorts a passenger jet in to Manchester airport as the pilot reported a suspicious item on board. The United team bringing back a trophy this season.