Humorous Quotes

  1. I changed my last name on Facebook to “dis”, so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post
  2. “LOL” is the new way of saying “I really have nothing to say.”
  3. The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.
  4. That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones save its life.
  5. I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
  6. Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
  7. Sometimes a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship is telling you his real name.
  8. Old meaning of sorry. “I won’t do it again.” New meaning of sorry. “Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful.”
  9. Odds are there is someone who is your “Facebook Friend” that you absolutely cannot stand and the only reason you keep them on your list is to watch their slow untimely demise.
  10. Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you
  11. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
  12. It is impossible to act naturally right after someone tells you to act naturally.
  13. I fart, why..because it’s the only gas I can afford.
  14. I miss newspapers. It’s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
  15. I tripped over a bra last night, do you think it was a boobie trap?
  16. Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge
  17. Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
  18. I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That’s the sperm that won?
  19. FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.
  20. How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.