Humorous Quotes

  1. Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he’ll try and kill you……….Bad Breath
  2. I did a striptease for my wife but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.
  3. The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
  4. Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.
  5. It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian “kill” scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I’ll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion
  6. Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent…umm…excercising!
  7. I think a duck’s opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!
  8. Karma is like a rubber-band…it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face!
  9. BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!
  10. I had my identity stolen once. The next day I found it on my doorstep with a note saying, “F@ck you, you can keep it.”
  11. Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5.
  12. When an intoxicated person is blabbering, 60% of whatever he/she says is true.
  13. LIKE if you don’t ring the doorbell… You just text or call to say you’re outside.
  14. Admit it, at some point in your life, you stuck a ball up your shirt and pretended you were pregnant.
  15. The heart attack when you’re in bed almost sleeping, holding your phone in your hand and it suddenly vibrates.
  16. Don’t you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower.
  17. I don’t get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from Africa.
  18. On the occasion of Women’s Day…my wife decided to take a rest …so I am the boss for today…..
  19. I’ve got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn’t have minded, but I’ve borrowed my girlfriend’s cell phone for the day.
  20. Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm… but I wasn’t finished..