Humorous Quotes

  1. The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
  2. I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
  3. When I see your face, there’s not a thing I would change …. except the direction I’m walking in.
  4. Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
  5. Survivor would be a cooler show if only one contestant remained alive at the end of the season and that was the prize.
  6. Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.
  7. Some people say I dream too much, I say it’s just because my life is better than their dreams are.
  8. Walking past a new employee’s desk & yelling, “Do you think it’s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?” will never get old.
  9. The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
  10. Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “Sorry for the damage.” Watching them is priceless.
  11. I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)
  12. I don’t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
  13. Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
  14. To girls suffering from a case of too many friend requests: Here is a free tip – Put some clothes on and post your real pictures without Photoshop or makeup. Problem solved!
  15. Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. “Do you think I’m pretty? Do you think I’m pretty?” Why doesn’t she just answer me?
  16. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’. I said: “May divorce be with you.”
  17. At last I’ve managed to find my girlfriend’s G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?
  18. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.
  19. Instead of laughing my ass off, I’m going to start laughing my stomach off. I’d rather lose that.
  20. Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.