Humorous Quotes

  1. It’s that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
  2. One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
  3. LIKE IF… You’ve recorded yourself singing to see if you could actually sing.
  4. I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..
  5. Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
  6. Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.
  7. Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn’t changer her mind..DUMP HER!
  8. Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement
  9. If your house is hit by a dolphin, don’t go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that’s how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.
  10. I bet the YMCA dance is allot harder to do in Chinese.
  11. L̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶ temptation… fcuk that, follow me, I know a shortcut.
  12. Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.
  13. Just watched Die Hard 2. People in 1990 sure knew how to shrug off a plane crash.
  14. Well, it’s easy to tell I’m married. It’s Friday night and I’m at home updating my facebook status…
  15. I’m one boob, you’re the other boob and together…we’re Breast friends.
  16. If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while your ahead”?!
  17. Don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because it’s stormy now doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.
  18. Teeth are always in style!
  19. Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had
  20. Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.