Humorous Quotes

  1. It’s not that I need to manage my anger, it’s that other people need to manage their stupidity.
  2. Your mamma’s so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn’t want
  3. Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.
  4. Last time I was upset, my dog brought me all of his toys and laid on my head.
  5. Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?
  6. You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.
  7. If you are the winner of Friday’s $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.
  8. After reading your recent updates, I’m surprised that Facebook hasn’t yet asked you, “Whatever’s on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?”
  9. Facebook keeps asking me, “What’s on your mind?”, it’s like dating someone with low self-esteem.
  10. After a night of heavy drinking’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
  11. I got fired from my job as a bingo caller… apparently “A meal for two with a terrible view” was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
  12. So the new Titanic 3D is out………. Maybe they’ll see the f*cking iceberg this time.
  13. When I sing with my headphones in I think, “Why don’t I have a record deal?!”…Then I take them out and I know why.
  14. I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
  15. Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.
  16. I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
  17. Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
  18. Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn’t it?
  19. I liked you better before we met.
  20. I’m not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.