Humorous Quotes

  1. The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I’m home alone and my power goes out.
  2. Women like silent men… they think they’re listening!
  3. I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyear s.
  4. Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
  5. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
  6. Study finds that a man looks into a woman’s eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she’s a C-cup or above
  7. The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word “facial” is used.
  8. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
  9. 10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
  10. It’s funny when my wife gives me the ‘silent treatment’. Because she thinks it’s a punishment.
  11. For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
  12. Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.
  13. There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.
  14. I’m so terrible at Chess. The only way I’ll ever get to say “Checkmate” is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.
  15. My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can’t help that my English teacher is hotter.
  16. I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
  17. “Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?” “Sure.” “Great! Thanks for participating.”
  18. If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
  19. My “I hate you” face must look very similar to my “tell me more” face. I’ll have to work on that.
  20. You never realize what you have till its gone… Toilet paper is a good example.