Humorous Quotes

  1. My phone didn’t get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode.
  2. Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
  3. UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.
  4. I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
  5. A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.
  6. THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT’S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT’S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS
  7. When people ask me “Plz” because it’s shorter than “Please” I tell them “No” because it’s shorter than “Yes.”
  8. I love the word “Allegedly”. You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal… allegedly.
  9. Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you’re meant to be studying.
  10. It doesn’t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
  11. My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much as I do.
  12. If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
  13. How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.
  14. When I was in high school my girlfriend’s dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said “Sorry, it won’t happen again.”
  15. Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I’m still alive.
  16. What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?………….Phil Ming
  17. At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
  18. If you love someone, set them fee. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk.
  19. Ladies, if a man doesn’t answer your “What are you doing tonight?” text till it’s already night time, you’re Plan B.
  20. A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, “Don’t enter that church you fool!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” “OUR WEDDING!”