Humorous Quotes

  1. There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday – Friday.
  2. When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she’s basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.
  3. Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair… so please quit teaching me that lesson.
  4. My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.
  5. You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.
  6. Gone are the days that girls cooked like their mothers, because these days they drink like their fathers.
  7. Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
  8. Lying through your teeth doesn’t count as flossing
  9. Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye’s forearms, I’m guessing Olive Oyl didn’t put out much.
  10. Rihanna should date Lebron… he never beats anyone.
  11. It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.
  12. My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. So I have to sit when I pee now.
  13. I’ve finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.
  14. Every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.
  15. I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.
  16. I’m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
  17. I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
  18. ❒ I am under the influence. ❒ I am above the influence. ✔ I AM THE INFLUENCE.”
  19. Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?
  20. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.