It is a tradition in my family to put a one hundred dollar bill in a plastic Easter egg and hide it along with all the other eggs. I have collected the reward for 15 years in a row, also this is how long I have been designated the “hider.”
I’m still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo’s cardboard box and build him a crate…
An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.
Hero’s don’t wear capes, they wear dog tags.
I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.
Boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once
My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.
Whenever I read the karma sutra, it puts me in an awkward position.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably sh!t.
Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.
My local post office uses four checkouts unless it’s really busy; then they use one.
There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by “liking” their grown children’s facebook updates.
I have reliable inside information about Apple’s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.
When someone texts you ‘k’, just reply, “L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z”
For not knowing what’s going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.
You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ………..That’s how much gas I got for 2 dollars.
The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it.
That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.
Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common… both are essential when I take a s$it.