Humorous Quotes

  1. My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.
  2. Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
  3. I’ll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid’s acting like a spoiled brat…I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you’re not looking.
  4. Don’t you sometimes wish that you could just click ‘like’ on someone’s ‘like’?
  5. Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.
  6. I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
  7. Oh, you dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Cool. I’ll have a number 1 and hold the lettuce please.
  8. If you are talking to me and I appear as if I’m attentively listening, I’m probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.
  9. You know you’ve been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.
  10. Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.
  11. There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.
  12. Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
  13. I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to ‘single’.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don’t see me changing my status to ‘orphan’.
  14. The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
  15. I know it’s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
  16. Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.
  17. Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is… And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.
  18. I’d rather look back at my life and say “I can’t believe I did that” instead of saying,. “I wish I did that.”
  19. I’ve decided I’m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I’m sorry.
  20. The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology…