Humorous Quotes

  1. I’m starting to forget how the alphabet goes… ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO….
  2. The Internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers
  3. A few simple tips: 1. Don’t promise when you’re happy. 2. Don’t reply when you’re angry. 3. Don’t decide when you’re sad.
  4. Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn’t even think about us for a second.
  5. Hey, look at the bright side… oh I’m sorry, YOU don’t have one of those.
  6. When it comes to friends…I’d rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.
  7. A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.
  8. Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence… Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me
  9. My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
  10. The awesome moment when you’re telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you
  11. I’m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I’ve dropped my phone.
  12. A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.
  13. The only thing worse than girls going after the “Bad Boy” is today’s perception of what a Bad Boy is.
  14. I swear some people were conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
  15. Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right. Tomorrow I’m going to try three.
  16. There’s no sex like the ‘we haven’t had it for awhile’ kind of sex.
  17. Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I’m paying!
  18. Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
  19. it’s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
  20. I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work… Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.