Humorous Quotes

  1. All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
  2. How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it’s right in front of them?!
  3. If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
  4. Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!
  5. There is a big difference between “friends” and “Facebook friends”
  6. People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be shot.
  7. “You break it, you buy it”… Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walkout..
  8. I don’t have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.
  9. Please don’t bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.
  10. If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate
  11. Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
  12. If you can’t stand behind our troops, feel free to to stand in front of them!
  13. Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
  14. When I say “It’s a long story,” it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
  15. SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.
  16. Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I’d gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.
  17. Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.
  18. It’s not that I need Anger Management, it’s that others need Stupidity Management.
  19. Time I spend listening to music – 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones – 17 minutes
  20. I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don’t touch it just in case.