Humorous Quotes

  1. My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erection, I told her ”Its a lot harder than it looks”
  2. I’m not sure about you guys, but I’m pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.
  3. HEY,,,I’ve already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy…… No one likes drawn out funerals…. You’re welcome.
  4. Go deep throat a cactus.
  5. Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.
  6. I accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
  7. I don’t know why I even bother having an iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.
  8. Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.
  9. Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.’  I wonder what ‘ternative’ means?
  10. If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I’d pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.
  11. The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky
  12. Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.
  13. When told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.
  14. Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?…..That’s as crazy as the low low prices at Dave’s Furniture Emporium
  15. I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and don’t know how to drive.
  16. Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
  17. Found an old playboy from the 70’s last night, I wonder why they didn’t call it hair club for men…
  18. My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I’m on it when I run into someone I know in public.
  19. How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.
  20. My girlfriend just said, “Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I’ve packed your bags.” I think she’s kicking meeeowt.