Humorous Quotes

  1. I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
  2. Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  3. I need to do laundry so bad I’m actually wearing Christmas stockings
  4. Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?….. Are you paying too much for electricity?
  5. If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I’d be worth something by now.
  6. Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think “Wow, this is Awesome!”
  7. I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.
  8. My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
  9. That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.
  10. No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I’d rather have a 5 Hour Nap.
  11. I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
  12. The new mouthwash I bought says “24 HOUR PROTECTION ….use twice daily”
  13. It’s funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it’s never forgotten.
  14. If I come to your house and you say “make yourself at home”, don’t get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.
  15. If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit “end” on a call, I would have no friends.
  16. My doctor told me to stop drinking today…then he told me to stop laughing.
  17. Dear MTV, I’m gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.
  18. Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man
  19. Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.
  20. I’m fed up of all this racism. I think we should all come together & unite as one…blacks, whites, Asians…and gang up on the Arabs.