Humorous Quotes

  1. Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound……………………………………….. Give me some cocktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.
  2. The most common phrase in China: “Hey! You look familiar!”
  3. My drug dealer cracks me up.
  4. Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.
  5. Jessica Simpson had her baby. Apparently, Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby of all time.
  6. Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
  7. Getting Old- It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
  8. The transformation of Facebook into MySpace is almost complete.
  9. Cello Green has T-Rex arms.
  10. You know you’re awesome when Facebook suggests people you have already had sex with.
  11. Do NOT lower your standards to “keep” anyone. Make them meet you at YOUR level. Self respect is power.
  12. I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
  13. What came first, internet porn or “clear all search history”?
  14. The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
  15. My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad
  16. You know you’re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
  17. A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn’t count
  18. 98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.
  19. Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego
  20. Sometimes relationships don’t work out because of timing, but most of the time it’s because someone is an asshole.