Humorous Quotes

  1. If a woman tells you size doesn’t matter, she’s a liar and you have a small pen!s.
  2. Don’t call me ” bae ” ” baby ” ” babe ” or ” love ” unless I’m the ONLY ONE you’re calling that.
  3. Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth… it’s called “talking”
  4. Dear clear high heels, Thank you for helping me figure out who’s a stripper and who’s not.
  5. Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?
  6. I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.
  7. The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.
  8. I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has.
  9. I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
  10. When someone offers me constructive criticism, it’s clear they’ve mistaken me for someone else.
  11. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for who you are.
  12. I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update
  13. I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.
  14. It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
  15. I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.
  16. Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.
  17. This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.
  18. Make love to a woman’s mind, and her body will follow in kind
  19. There’s this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It’s called “Camera.”
  20. If a Rabbit Foot is considered good luck, then a Camel Toe should be considered amazing luck!