Humorous Quotes

  1. Some girls are like community colleges… Even if you’re not the smartest guy, you probably still get in.
  2. “I wanna fu*k you so bad right now.” “WHAT!?” “Damn autocorrect, I meant “hey”
  3. I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.
  4. STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!
  5. I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.
  6. Good times + Crazy friends = Amazing memories. ♥
  7. Me + ☊ + Loud Music = Wildly dancing like no one ever imagined.
  8. That awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
  9. Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.
  10. If you’re having relationship problems, confess to God not Facebook.
  11. I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
  12. I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper “What the F*ck!?”
  13. Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I’m so fcuking clumsy.
  14. They should invent an alarm clock that if you hit the snooze button more than 3 times it automatically calls in sick for you.
  15. They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he’s super cute.
  16. Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you’re not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
  17. Every time I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from “The Hangover” would pop up on their screen and scream, “Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!”
  18. If your laugh in real life sounds like “Bahahaha”, guaranteed I won’t be funny around you.
  19. Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It’s just gonna start more drama.
  20. I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, “What an Ass!”