Humorous Quotes

  1. Guys who say they like girls who don’t wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.
  2. If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex… because it would be the longest year of my life.
  3. I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.
  4. I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.
  5. How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
  6. If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink…
  7. ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle.
  8. Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE…
  9. A wise man once said nothing.
  10. I think I’m more shocked that Rodney King had a swimming pool than that he is dead
  11. When I’m feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar
  12. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
  13. I love doggie style as much as the next guy, but sometimes she’s just too pretty to fcuk from behind.
  14. I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.
  15. It funny that when it’s black on white, it’s a crime. When it it’s white on black, it’s a hate crime.
  16. I really want a sandwich, but I just don’t have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now…..
  17. I’m one of those people that no one warned you about.
  18. I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.
  19. Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
  20. Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.