Humorous Quotes

  1. Some folks will spend the weekend having fun and enjoying themselves. We call these people “Single”.
  2. 99% of my socks are single and you don’t see them crying about it.
  3. Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD’s are showing
  4. If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it’s not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I’ve blocked from my memory.
  5. Swallow it dammit, it’s good for you – Your Pride
  6. So confused right now, don’t know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.
  7. Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages
  8. Facebook needs a “settle down” button you tap on a friend’s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.
  9. Thank god for smart phones I was getting tired or reading the back of shampoo bottles while in the bathroom
  10. You can’t threaten me with Work when I came to Work.
  11. Everyone’s gynecologist uses the term ‘battle damage,’ right?
  12. During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.
  13. You remind me of my pinky toe. You’re small, cute, and I’m probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight
  14. I always enjoy sharing old memories with the @sshole from my old high school… while he is ringing up my groceries.
  15. Ladies, the knight with the shiniest Armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.
  16. Rise and shine all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.
  17. A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
  18. Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
  19. Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don’t worry, worrying is also bad for you too.
  20. Sometimes I want to ask certain people, “So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?”