Humorous Quotes

  1. You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
  2. Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.
  3. Can’t figure out why my dog licks his balls. They taste fcuking disgusting.
  4. If Cinderella’s shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?
  5. If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
  6. Want to know if you’re in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it’s over. You’re welcome.
  7. Sometimes things go from bad to worse back to bad then awful, rotten, pure sh1t to pathetic & back to bad which feels ok. Hang in there.
  8. I like a girl that isn’t afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say “babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner.”
  9. “Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.” – Muhammad Ali
  10. When everyone around you is an ahole you’ve gotta stop, take a long look at you & accept how awesome you are dead center in ahole land.
  11. Why did God create man first? So he wouldn’t have to be told how to do it.
  12. It’s so hot, I just saw a bird blow on a worm before it ate it
  13. Indians and their Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, ” Its 3 O’clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30″.
  14. Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.
  15. Best Fortune cookie ever: “Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application.”
  16. I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.
  17. My boss told me “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
  18. Anyone who thinks that women can’t be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.
  19. I had to go on two diets because one wasn’t giving me enough food.
  20. Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks