Humorous Quotes

  1. The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut
  2. There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
  3. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.. I’m thinking of making some more
  4. I’m not religious, but I love God.
  5. I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign
  6. Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
  7. Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
  8. Oh, you’re a lesbian? You’re not attracted to men, so you go date girls that look like men. That makes complete sense.
  9. I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White – Good condition – Reliable – Cheap – No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.
  10. Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
  11. One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
  12. Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
  13. How do you tell if you’ve lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you’re are in an argument on Facebook.
  14. This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I’m lonely
  15. A drunk man’s reasoning; “What the hell, she’s only ugly in the face”
  16. If I ever shot the sheriff, I’d probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.
  17. My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep
  18. If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn’t, you should know that I ignored you first.
  19. There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.
  20. You know you’re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.