Humorous Quotes

  1. Well ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.
  2. Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.
  3. Picking up someone at a bar when you’re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry… You end up taking home crap you didn’t want.
  4. Vampires aren’t on FB because they can’t take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.
  5. I’m thinking of becoming a gynecologist….i hear there’s plenty of openings.
  6. How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.
  7. I’m convinced. Some peoples’ brains are still on dial-up.
  8. I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.
  9. The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.. 🙂
  10. I had a near-life experience…I nearly quit Facebook.
  11. Guess I should’ve left..”Guest appearance on Cops” off my resume
  12. Johnny Bravo would be so perfect for Jersey shore.
  13. A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
  14. Say “I won a math debate” 5 times really fast! Now slap yourself for being such a pervert.
  15. I nevur make the same mistake twice. NEVUR.
  16. Everyone knows someone whose laugh is always funnier than the joke.
  17. 3 blonds were driving to Disney World… The sign said; Disney World Left, so they started crying, turned around, and drove home.
  18. There’s an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it’s coming soon
  19. Just had a fart that sounded like an un-oiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.
  20. Don’t make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it