Whenever my parents talk about ‘the good old days’ they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that’s also the year I was born… wait… what?
I buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn’t hand anyone anything for free.
I think I’m gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?
I think it’s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.
I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won’t stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
Something tells me that girl with the word “Princess” tattooed on her neck isn’t really Royalty.
I fcuking love it when my girlfriend uses her evil psychotic skills for my benefit and not against me.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.
Someone wrote “retard” on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means? Father: It means ‘to be happy’. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Having dinner with my phone and some people.
Well I had close call last night! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly…..I was like hold on somethings up!
I always cry after sex. God, I fcuking hate prison!!!!!!!
Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise …. Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?
Wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60″ flat screen mirror?
All I want is for someone to pretend to love me for who I am, then gradually change me over a period of several years until we both hate me.
The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.
I’m a Gentleman. I’ll always give a woman my umbrella if it’s raining outside. Unless she’s wearing white of course.
Are you sure we haven’t met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.