Humorous Quotes

  1. When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
  2. The older I get, the better I was.
  3. I tried to kill myself once with Aspirin, but after the first two I felt better.
  4. Feelings are like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.
  5. Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
  6. Some of your timelines are my morning paper.
  7. My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
  8. Those girls on the balance beam learn early on that 4 inches isn’t much to work with.
  9. The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something
  10. Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.
  11. If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
  12. Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by ‘down’ I mean ‘over her face’.
  13. Marriage… a relationship between a person who’s always right and her husband.
  14. My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says “Recalculating”.
  15. Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?
  16. There’s someone out there for everyone. Don’t worry if you’re alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.
  17. Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.
  18. My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.
  19. Love may be blind, but It doesn’t have to be stupid.
  20. Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that.”