Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.
Nothing says “I’ve made poor life decisions” like a couch in your front yard.
I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz that’s the exact moment my life got fuçked up!
I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read “Fcuk this sh1t! Stay in the house!”
Mothers, out of the 300 guys you’re friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.
He called my girlfriend a whore. So I called him an ambulance.
I’m not the man you’d hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.
To best understand men, you need to grasp the following: 1. They think with their pen!s 2. They wanna fix everything 3. They wanna fix everything with their pen!s
Whenever my Girlfriend says she’s going to “hit the sack” I instinctively cover my balls just in case.
I don’t have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya’ll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebook, it’s the damn Twitter crew I can’t stand with their self righteousness and egos.
Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here’ So I swerved, hit him. Now he’s in a ditch. Hope that’s ok, he wasn’t really specific.
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say “Oh my God, it’s huge!”
Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I’ve got both covered.
I’m not sure I understand What The Hell you’re talking about….But…..you’re showing cleavage, so I will listen.
I don’t think I’m better than you. I never think about you.
I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”
Ever notice that after you and some friends order a pizza the only conversation you have is “where the hell is the pizza?”
When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.
Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I’m here to learn the difference between your and you’re.