The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible
I vote we bring 80’s music back and forget how to Dougie!!
When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese’s peanut butter cup…
A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower….. I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Just phished Forest Gump’s Facebook password, it’s: 1Forest1
Oral Sex: A taste of things to come
There are only a few people I can say “You’re one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.
When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I’m single again.
One time Bill Murray came up to me at a Wendys, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me dead in the eyes and said “Nobody’s going to believe you”
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig….It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage
Remember, there can be only one interesting person per relationship.
Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That’s your age.
Men do what they want and skip the rest. They’re straightforward. If he doesn’t call, he doesn’t want to talk. If he calls, he’s horny.
“I know,, Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone.” — God, when He made scorpions
Dear JB HATERs – I owe my life to Justin. On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash. One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin’s song, so I got up, and turned the radio off.
No Calls ? I Understand . No Text ? I Understand , But When You See Me With Someone Else Please Understand .