Humorous Quotes

  1. I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it’s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
  2. The preacher tells me today… ” I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord”. I said… “I am. I’m in the secret service”
  3. I’ve spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.
  4. As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
  5. Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE
  6. Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing “Spider-Man” 10 years ago.
  7. I don’t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles… game on!
  8. IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.
  9. You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
  10. A beautiful woman in the cafeteria just gagged while eating her banana… She’s now dead to me.
  11. Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough
  12. Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!
  13. Once I participated in a “Nice Guy” 5K Run….. We all finished last.
  14. When my grandkid loses his 1st tooth, I’m putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
  15. I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let’s talk about hanging out but never follow through.
  16. I wanted to write a poem about you but I’m having a difficult time finding the words to rhyme with chlamydia infected narcissistic harpy whore.
  17. Ever just read somebody’s post and think…. what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.
  18. Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
  19. Don’t lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.
  20. A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it’s time to go inside.