Humorous Quotes

  1. I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
  2. For all those who answer “how’s it goin?” with ..”can’t complain”…please review your FB status’s
  3. Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.
  4. I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
  5. When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent’s condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.
  6. They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
  7. I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
  8. Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
  9. Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.
  10. Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
  11. If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
  12. Relation-SHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.
  13. Did you know “bathtub” backwards is still “bathtub”? It’s not, but for a second there you believed me.
  14. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
  15. I’m so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant “PANIC!” not “Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!”
  16. Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
  17. A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don’t put that on Facebook!”
  18. Because of texting, today’s generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!
  19. Parent: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
  20. Nine times out of ten, when I say “on my way” or “be there in 5 or 10,” I haven’t even left my house yet.