Not on my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman – not on my watch.

Loving Bitch

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.

“Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?” she giggled.

“No love, don’t mind him!” I said. “It’s just you’re eating off his plate.”

Training

Damn, got some shitty news today.. …

I found out that cock fighting is done with roosters… Six months of training wasted.

The Perfect Girl

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”