Busted

This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSBAND : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB:(makes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewelry?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “Shit”.

Only if it fits

A guy and his pet monkey walk into a bar, the guy orders a beer for himself and the monkey sits on the bar next to him..
At first the monkey is calm and well behaved but after a while it starts stealing cherries and nuts and olives and eating them when no one is looking. The bartender finally catches him and warns the guy to make the monkey stop or they will have to leave.
The guy yells at the monkey to stop which seemed to work at first but after a while it started stealing things again.
Eventually the bartender notices it again and yells at the guy to leave and take his damned monkey with him.
As they get up to go the monkey leaps over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. Now the bartender is furious and starts screaming at them to leave and to never come back.
A month later the guy was passing the same bar with his monkey and decides to apologize to the bartender and then offers to pay for the cue ball if they could come in and get a beer.
At first the bartender said no but the guy assured him that he had been training the monkey to behave better and promised there would be no trouble.
Finally the bartender gives in and they sit at the bar like before and he orders a beer. For a while the monkey just sits there quietly but soon it gets bored and reaches over and grabs a cherry.Then he bends over and sticks the cherry up his ass, pulls it back out and then eats it.
The bartender sees this and says “Did you see what your monkey just did? He stuck that cherry up his ass then he pulled it out and ate it!”
The guy replies, “Yeah, ever since he swallowed that cueball he’s been trying everything he eats for size before he swallows it”