Cut both short

I went to the barbers today and he asked, “What can I do for you today sir?”

“Cut both short.” I replied.

“Both what?” He asked.

I said, “The hair and the f*cking conversation.”

1/2 Mile Swim

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him… “Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?” … …

“I did Teacher” …
“And did your stepfather take you out, show you things, go exploring?” …

“Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I’d swim back.” … …

“Oh, well, um, it’s an awful long way to swim isn’t, 1/2 a mile?” …

“Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I’d got out of the bag!”

3 in 1 Oil

Paddy’s wife gave birth to triplets..

“How in God’s name did that happen ?” says Paddy

“Remember that night when i was very dry and we had no Vaseline so we used 3 in 1 oil ?”

“Bloody hell” says Paddy “I’m fuckin glad i didn’t use WD40” .