Force of Habit

A black man walks into a petrol station and says, “Give me all the money in the till or I’ll blow your brains out!”

The cashier says, “But you haven’t got a gun!”

The black man replies, “Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please.”

Sven and Ollie Dig Deep

Sven & Ollie are working for the city of Minneapolis. Sven would dig a hole – he would dig, dig, dig. Ollie would come along and fill the hole – fill, fill, fill. Sven and Ollie worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. …
….
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard the two men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to Sven, the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes along behind you and fills it up again!”

Sven, hole digger replied, “Jah, I suppose it does look foonny, but Lars, da guy who plants da trees, is sick today.”

Lawdy Ah Beleebs!

Tyrone was hiking in the jungles of Brazil when he slipped on a wet rock and fell over the edge of a three-hundred-foot cliff. He had fallen twenty feet when he grabbed hold of a bush that was growing out of a rock. There he was dangling, looking down at the jagged rocks down below — it was certain death. His hands started to perspire and he called out, “Is there anybody up there to help me?”

Then he heard a reassuring, deep voice ringing out, “I’m here, Tyrone. The Lord. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you.”

“Oh Lawdy, Lawdy, ah wanz to beleeeb. Help me.”

“Tyrone, does you believe in me? have faith in me?”

“Oh, Lawd, yes, Ah be-LEEBS!”

“You are gripping tightly with both hands. Now as I count to three, Tyrone, I want you to let go of the bush with your left hand…. One, two, THREE!”

“Oh, Lawdy, I haz FAITH in you!” and Tyrone removes his left hand.

Now as I count to three, Tyrone, I want you to let go of the bush with your right hand…. One, two, THREE!”

“Oh, Lawdy, I haz FAITH in you! … Ah Be-LEEBS!” and Tyrone removes his right hand. Of course the law of gravity takes over and Tyrone, screaming as he falls, tumbles to his death on the jagged rocks below.

A booming, deep voice from the clouds and mist above, “Those stupid junglebunnies, they will believe anything!

Get Clean in 99 Years

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says “Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before I can let you enter the great kingdom!” So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory. ….
….
The first man had an addiction to sεx. St. Peter took this man to a room; inside were hundreds of women, fully nude. The man runs into the room excited as can be as St. Peter says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”

The second man is a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, “I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”

The third man was a chronic stoner. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, ” I’ll be back in 99 years to see if you’ve learned your lesson.”

99 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sεx addict inside is so relieved, he repents on the spot. St. Peter allows him into heaven.

The alcoholic speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.

St. Peter opens the stoner’s door only to find him joint in one hand, pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says, ” Hey, you got a light, man?”