Gnat At All

So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?”

The gnat says, “gnat at all.”

The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard.

” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”

Change For A Beer

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

The bartender thinks: “okay, business is business ” and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn’t say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: ” there is your fucking change!”

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: “Gimme another beer!”

You naughty Girl

I was feeling horny so I phoned the misses for a bit of phone sex.
As she answered I said “tell me your not wearing any knickers”
She said “I actually am not wearing any knickers”
I replied, “oh yeah baby, tell me what your doing… You naughty girl”
She replied “I’m having a shit

Playing The Part

An blond went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

The owner replied, “Sorry, I don’t have any at the moment.”

“Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the Blond.

“Well” said the owner, “if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I’ll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed,”

“Damn and blast!” said the blonde, “I can’t come on that day or for some time after.”

“Why not?” Asked the owner.

“Because that is the day I’m having my leg amputated!