A Seatbelt

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt!

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your  ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over  there…..”, as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
“See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear…… do you understand???”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up  and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s enormous Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety.  The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of hislungs…..

“Your badge…….. show him your BADGE
!!