Jesus Knows You’re Here”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch
beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.  ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

 

Prayer for Leroy

A preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,  “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know.  It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye….. that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No…. not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh thank ye, Father!’

They then parted ways…..

Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, 10 in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.’

Arab n Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.__