Give it to me!

Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler so the neighbors think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting “Give it to me!

Costly Funeral

Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.

The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

Big Rock

My girlfriend complained to me that the diamond in her engagement ring is too small.

“It’s so tiny,” she remarked. “I want a big rock.

” Hope she likes the headstone I’ve picked out.