WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP

Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

“WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?” Booms the genie, “MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!”

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

“Ta Mac”, says Dave as he brushes himself off.

POOF without warning, the genie transforms Dave into a slab of tarmac.

“What the fuck have you done to me”, shouts Dave, as the genie bursts with laughter and faces Mac, who looks terrified.

“Bwa-ha-ha, you’re scared and stricken”, laughs the genie, “perhaps you’re just a puny chicken?”

POOF the genie transforms Mac into a chicken.

The Genie laughs again and decides to give them a chance, “On the count of three, if you both agree, then after a year I’ll let you free.”

“But if one of you chooses to dismiss, then forever the other will remain like this.”

Dave turns to Mac and says, “We’ve been best friends forever, there’s no way I’d say no!”

Mac turns to Dave and says, “Agreed, there’s no way I could let you endure such a terrible fate.”

The genie counts down…

Three

Two

One

They look at each other, nod, and together they say, “I agree”…

Except Mac didn’t… He didn’t agree at all and Dave was left lying on the floor, a solid piece of tarmac for the rest of eternity.

You see, Dave had slept with Mac’s wife behind his back, but Mac knew about it all along and had been waiting for the perfect opportunity for payback.

That, my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road.

I won the Derby

Horse walks into a bar and gets himself a pint. A donkey is sitting beside him and says “you’re a big lad, did you ever win anything?”.

The horse turns round and says “yeah, I won the Derby on the flat and the Grand National on the jumps”. The donkey, thinking “fuck, how can I match that, that’s impressive”, goes to his phone and gets up a picture of a zebra.

He shows it to the horse who responds “what the fuck is that?”. The donkey replies “That’s when I used to play for Juventus”.

chick’s Tinder profile

Every third chick’s Tinder profile specifies a height, beneath which she’s not interested.

My Tinder profile specifies a weight, ABOVE which I’M not interested.

Weight can be changed.

Height cannot.

And yet, somehow, I’m the arsehole?

Or is that not how equality works?