Short Jokes

  1. The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
  2. I’ve met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the f*cking cactus.
  3. Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
  4. When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one is that happy
  5. Ladies, stop relying on Cosmo. It’s written by women who don’t know siht about men.
  6. I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, I did the twist. They played “Jump”, I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”…I got kicked out for that one.
  7. When A Man Becomes Rich He Becomes Naughty – When A Woman Becomes Naughty. She Becomes Rich
  8. I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say “He’s in a better place now.”
  9. My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
  10. My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now………….Wait, That’s not my waiter.
  11. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
  12. JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
  13. *Looking in the mirror* Fix hair. Check teeth. Fix hair. Check butt. Fix hair. Side check. Suck in. Side check. Fix hair. *Sighs* walks…
  14. People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
  15. I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
  16. Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
  17. I just found a great new way to check email, Facebook, Twitter, chat with friends and buy stuff on eBay, all from one spot. I got a job.
  18. The relationship stages;- 😛  🙂  😉  😀  :*  ♥   😐  🙁  :'(
  19. We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
  20. If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.