Short Jokes

  1. If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.
  2. Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.
  3. ”Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I’m going to log him off without checking his inbox.” – Said no woman ever
  4. I have no super powers. I’m guessing I’m the villain.
  5. The reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren’t prepared for a nice, decent guy.
  6. Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
  7. The reality is men have no idea what women want… and women have no idea what women want
  8. Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
  9. Remember if you ever get mugged, don’t yell “Help.” Yell, “Oh my god! It’s Justin Bieber!”
  10. F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language….do in fact, count as blow jobs
  11. Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I’m in a relationship?
  12. I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
  13. If Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it’s time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here.
  14. Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
  15. I wish my phone would stop correcting ‘omg’ to ‘OMG’, I’m not that shocked.
  16. If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.
  17. For each like, I’ll take a shot on New Years…
  18. One man’s Facebook crush is probably another man’s nagging wife or girlfriend.
  19. This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
  20. That awkward moment when your ex is dating someone who looks just like you.