I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humour and not be offended.
My wife’s safe word: “Not tonight”
No I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at what I think of you.
Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fu(ked to achieve it.
Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.
Girlfriend texted me, “I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me.” I replied, “Who’s this?”
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren’t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Dear Santa, us big girls like toys too,,,,just put them in the second drawer of my nightstand!
”Live this Friday like it was your last.” – The Mayans
Ever notice how white women over 40 can’t dance without clapping?
The only “b” word you should call a girl is beautiful. Bitches love to be called beautiful.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.
A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are a$$holes.” Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…” The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The second guy says, “No. I’m an a$$hole.”
I have a black belt in leather
Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late ’90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.
I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.