You don’t know something? Google it. You don’t know someone? Facebook it. You can’t find something? MOM!
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers…because I can always count on them.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Men get more attractive with age. Women…well they just let you put it in more places.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
The fact that your guy friends stop being funny after getting a girlfriend is proof enough that women are soul sucking banshees.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. I am jobless now.
Your parents brought you up! Don’t bring them down.
How is today Monday? It was Friday only a few hours ago…
You think I’m not online. But, I’m always here. Even if I’m not posting. I’m here. Scrolling…Judging.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.
Math is a drama queen. It can’t seriously have that many problems.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So…41 guys…that’s the limit.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift your beer belly is it.
Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.
Religion is a bit like porn. You know deep down it’s all lies but you still buy it. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich. It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies. AND the scripts it’s based on leave allot to be desired.