Short Jokes

  1. If someone won’t lift a finger to call you, see you or spend time with you then it’s time for you to lift five fingers and wave goodbye.
  2. Friends may come and go, but friends with benefits cum and go
  3. Wife: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS? Husband: ? *Wife storms out room* Husband: Happy Valsenbirthery?!
  4. All I’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
  5. The girls that say that all guys want is sex, are usually the ones who have only that to offer.
  6. Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!
  7. To find a prince, you’re supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond…
  8. Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don’t know about.
  9. The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.
  10. Grammar: The difference between feeling you’re nuts, and feeling your nuts.
  11. If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.
  12. If I’m ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.
  13. It’s OK if you don’t like my personality,,, I’ve got others.
  14. My girlfriend wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She text-ed me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
  15. I’m surprised the Pope didn’t tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God’s experience with apples.
  16. Dear Dude, who’s slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can’t keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.
  17. Got my new Chinese cookbook today….”101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”
  18. The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight.
  19. I got 99 problems and being attractive could solve at least 30 of them.
  20. I’m like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway.